Friday, 6 September 2013

Friday Night Film: Embryo

It's difficult to overstate the pleasure that can be derived from a film which ends with Rock Hudson pushing a very old lady's face into a lake whilst shouting 'Die, die, Goddamnit!', especially if this culminates in the ancient woman going into labour and screaming 'it's your baby!'.

'Embryo' is a hugely entertaining but sometimes wince inducing film about mad science and a hyper-intelligent dog who murders another dog and covers it up. It's brilliant. Hudson plays a scientist called Paul who has spent twenty five years of his life trying to save the lives of premature babies, only to find himself unable to work after his wife is killed in a car crash. 

Miracle Doberman,

One night, Rock accidentally hits a pregnant Dobermann Pinscher in his car and takes the stricken bitch back to his lab to treat her. This sparks his interest in science once more and, before you can say 50 mils of Canine Plasma (he has this in this fridge for some reason) he's extracting the dog's unborn puppies and suspending them in electrified gloop and pumping them full of growth hormones. Only one survives, but it's a cracker. Growing to maturity in a matter of days, it's also hyper-intelligent, i.e. it can make its own lunch and kill little yappy dogs and hide their bodies in the undergrowth. Actually, you need to see this for yourself. 

Naturally, once you've created a dog, your thoughts turn to human beings, which is generally where the line is crossed between dedication and madness.

Baby Bath.

Cheaper than hiring a sitter. 
Eight week old woman.

Roddy & Rock Set Up Camp.

So, Rock gets some human embryos and, in a matter of a few dissolves, has created a super-intelligent female child who grows rapidly into maturity and looks exactly like Barbara Carrera. Where she got the Nicaraguan accent from is a bit of a mystery, must be a side effect of being grown in a tank. Eventually, despite technically only being a few months old, her thoughts turn to sex, and Rock, ever ethical, makes sweet love with her, at which point (as so often happens with relationships) it all goes weird.  

'Should that be glowing like that?'

Split image = BONKERS.

Nobody loved 'Embryo' enough to renew its copyright, so it's now in the public domain, which means you should scour Poundlands, service stations and seaside souvenir shops for copies. You won't regret it, it's very funny without being stupid, and I like that in a serious film.

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