Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Montezuma's Revenge

"If a man simply deserts his wife, he is a cad. If instead he hits her with a croquet mallet until she is dead and then buries her dismembered body under a newly installed ornamental fountain, he's a monster. If, however, at its unveiling, the fountain starts to spray blood over everybody, then that's a story. A much better story than we have for you now.

I've never liked cats. They are all too knowing, all too cunning. They do have one remarkable quality, though: they always land on their feet, no matter how hard or fast you throw them or what you throw them at. What you are about to see concerns a cat lover, a cat, and a cat hater, and you would be forgiven for thinking 'at some point that cat is going to kill that cat hater' because that's exactly what fucking happens".    

Penniless American hustler Chad Chisler (William Shatner) marries the much older and very much richer Lady Daventry (Irene Handl), expecting that it won't be long before she pops off and he's left to enjoy her millions.

'Do you like cats, Mr. Chisler?'

'I - adore - them, your ladyship. And, please - call me - Chad'. 

Very soon after the wedding, however, Chad discovers that his wife intends to leave everything she has to her much loved cat, Montezuma, who she believes is a feline reincarnation  of the Aztec Emperor,or of her first husband or something (it's not that clear). Incensed, Chad tries to kill the cat on a number of occasions, but Montezuma outwits him every time. Finally, in a fury, Chad goes to kick the cat, misses and tumbles down a long spiral staircase to his death.

In a postscript, Lady Daventry returns from Chad's cremation, puts his urn on the piano and leaves, dabbing her eyes with a hanky. Montezuma jumps onto the piano and knocks over the urn, dislodging a big pile of ash which he promptly uses as a cat litter. Zoom in on Montezuma's face - he winks. HE ACTUALLY FUCKING WINKS. Fade to black.    

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