Hello, readers. Dolly here.
I've just watched the second 25 minutes of a film I've never seen before. I had no idea what (a-hem) came before or what (a-hum) comes after - but I'm going to review it for you all the same.
That'll be nice eh?
What's this? The first shot is of some skinny fella reading a dirty fuck book.
|Well, I say 'reading' but he's clearly just looking at the pictures|
Then a judge walks in dressed as Father Christmas and has a little chat with the jazz mag lad about some filthy rotten no good whore slagger that got done over and killed because she deserved it because she was a right trollop or something. Well, he doesn't say those exact words - I'm paraphrasing here.
The next bit has a load of hippy types walking though the woods and pairing off in the bushes for a bit of a saucy bunk up. One couple run quite a way into the woods presumably to find a spot where there isn't any nettles. The chap in the pink trousers (below) has a very nice looking arse and his trouse undo with buttons at the side, which impressed me for some reason. I like a strangely placed button.
|Nettle free zone.|
|A new form of fingering here: known in the trade as 'thumbering'|
During this alfresco coupling what appears to be a young girl is watching them at it from behind a bush and once they've finished she runs over and joins in. I'm told by old people that this sort of thing happened all the time in the late sixtes. All the time.
The film then cuts to a small sequence where that judge from earlier is feeding some ducks in a duck pond that is so mind numbingly boring I couldn't even be arsed to do a screen grab of it and that as far as I can make out has no relevance to the rest of the film whatsoever (unless a duck turns out to be a murderer later in the film - in which case it maybe very relevant).
|I don't know what this bloke's character is called, but I'm going to call him Jonny Sleazy McSleazyface because it seems to suit him.|
The action then switches from the park to the dark of a strip club where the smut rag reader is getting all hot under the collar watching some blond woman with a chin you could use to break concrete slabs up with get her kit off and waggle her tits in his face.
Later some bird undresses in her bathroom and gets in the shower. I notice that on her bathroom sink (right hand bottom of the pic below) is a light blue cup with what looks like a tube of Steradent in it. I wonder if this is a plot point too? Maybe the killer has a false teeth and it's a subtle clue? I dunno?
|This is her 'What was that noise? Could it be a flick knife welding lunatic in a leather jacket walking up the creaky stairs outside the bathroom where I'm naked and all vulnerable in the shower?' look.|
|Don't you think she has rather a lot of eye make-up on for someone in the shower? I'd have cleaned that off before I got in if I was her. She'll get it all down her cheeks once she's in the water and look a old right state. I'm just saying.|
|Oh hang on - it doesn't matter about her make-up, because that bloke's just killed her. By the time anyone would've noticed she's dead I expect files and maggots would've eaten out her eyes anyway.|
|Headline in the Daily Exposition.|
|This is the duck feeding Judge right?|
|And this is his wife.|
He is SO punching above his weight.
|Jonny does a bit of window shopping.|
|This is the window. Could be the Mounds & Circles book club couldn't it?|
Then there's this bit where you see everything from the killers POV. He fondles his leather jacket and looks at a load of photos from porno mags that he's cut out and pasted on the wall. At one point he puts a ladies bra over a picture of some boobs and pretends to fondle them.
|We've all done this at some point or another haven't we?|
A stripper then walks out of a strip club and gets stabbed to death in a very badly lit bit where you can't really see what's going on. I couldn't tell who the killer was but I know it wasn't water fowl because I couldn't make out anything duck shaped.
|Now then - this bit is dead clever see. Because you see what you think is the killer lifting her fur coat up but it cuts to the police detective finding the body. Oo? Is THAT a clue to the killers identity? Who knows?|
The detective then picks up the hippy shagger from earlier in the film and says stuff like 'You done the murder' and the Hippy says 'No I never done no murder I weren't there at the time whenever it was or nuffink'. They don't talk like that at all really - in fact the dialogue is pretty good throughout the 25 mins I sat though.
SO! Who is killing all these women? Is it Jonny Sleaze McSleazyface? Is it Mr Hippy Nice Arse Trousers? Is it the Santa Judge with the tasty wife? Who knows?
One thing we do know for certain: it's not a duck.