Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Dirty Stinkers

The lottery of the workplace Secret Santa has led me down a strange, winding path into the previously unglimpsed world of super-economy aftershaves. Usually retailing at around a pound, these scents invariably have the consistency of condensation and a smell somewhere between rubbing alcohol and a partially exhausted Jade Plug-In. I’m assuming they were tested on animals, perhaps even humans.

A brief study has revealed the following brand leaders –

Star Warrior Pour Homme: a class act, from its Gaultier rip off bottle to its sci fi fantasy inspired name. This cologne is available in cool, dry and natural, i.e. floor polish in water, sand and air flavours.

Rock Night smells of leather and sweat. It's the perfect thing to wear to a Saxon gig, and can also be used to unblock a Portaloo.

Loud Volume obviously just really stinks.

Pure Pulse sounds like a sex toy. In a way, it is - or rather a sex weapon.

Mastermind doesn't smell of books, unfortunately. It doesn't even smell of a slightly sweaty black leather chair. It smells of shit and white wine vomit.

Urban Venom is full of the excitement you can only get from the juxtaposition of two edgy but completely unrelated words, I like to think this is the essence of the streets. I expect it smells of a discharged 'gat' and a kid’s shattered dreams. In order to further the idea of the product as sexy and dangerous, it is presented in what looks like a condom packet.

On that note, I can reveal that you can also buy an 18 pack of ribbed condoms in the same shop for 99p. That's five and a half pence a johnny, which seems a bargain until you realise you'd have to wear a dozen at a time to feel even vaguely protected. I wouldn't be surprised if these prophylactics gave the wearer an STD. 

Finally - for now - here's Titanium Target. I don't know what it smells like, but it's the single greatest brand name of all time. It's so macho that even looking at it makes me want to roundhouse someone to death. Which is exactly what you want from a one pound perfume.

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