Sunday, 25 November 2012

Unexpected Competition Winners

We're nearly at the end of our special Roald Dahl Week, sadly, but it's something we've found hugely enjoyable and, we hope, you've liked too. Earlier this week, we asked for your 'unseen' Tales Of The Unexpected episodes and we've had some great entries, all of which which we'd like to share with you now.

To start with, a dark tale from Andrew Carlin.

A brightly lit shop front art gallery in a fashionably down at heel area of town. A braying, glinting group of hipsters drink tokaji and declaim on the exhibition of transgressive, sexualised art made by people known to them personally.  At the centre stands Helena (Honor Blackman), an artists' agent, attended to by gallery owner Tom (Peter Bowles, clean shaven, neckerchief). 

A rough type, high street denim, possibly drunk, possibly not English (Oliver Tobias) looks on through a window.  Helena spots him, whispers to Tom and then loudly bustles through the front door, returning with her new Guest.  The group artfully discuss the art, feeling like magicians in front of their monosyllabic audience.  Helena scolds them playfully before taking The Guest by the elbow through to a side room. Tom holds court in her absence.

There is a small, blue Robin Day chair in the centre of the side room.  An inflated, lifesize female doll rests on the chair, stiff legs tied to the front legs of the chair and its arms tied behind.  The doll is covered in a long, red, tight dress. A bowler hat lies to the side.  The dress is crudely cut away exposing seamed breasts and vinyl genitalia.  Helena circles the room, explaining the Kubrick references, the homage to the artifice of screen sexuality and the fetishisation of objectification.  The Guest looks on, slowly turning and ever watching as Helena takes balletic steps through the scene, following her words in motion.

Much later, the group make to leave the gallery.  They call for Helena. Tom shouts that he saw her leave with The Guest and flag down a cab. The group move off to the nearest late bar.  A flacid plastic foot and ankle flap, trapped in the door of a minicab some miles away.  Behind the glass of an art gallery in a fashionably down at heel area of town, a straining noise fights against the silence of a wine glass littered, abandoned exhibition.  In a side room Helena rests on a small blue Robin Day chair ...

The End.

Unexpected, I'm sure you'll agree. Now, Ivan Kirby has a chiller for you, entitled 'Vicious Tongue'...

Clive Swift plays a timid husband forever being humiliated by his venomous wife, Sheila Gish.  After she grandly belittles him at a dinner party, a sympathetic female friend (Penelope Wilton) urges Clive to leave Sheila "or that tongue of hers will be the death of you".  On the way back, they're involved in a car accident, the shock leaving Sheila unable to speak ever again.

Clive now lords it over her, becoming  ruder & nastier as she gets ever meeker & more submissive. Then one day after lunch he's rushed to hospital with food poisoning that proves fatal. A shot of a kitchen bin & calendar reveals the cause: a seriously out-of-date packet of lunch tongue...The End.

Phew. That was fucking unexpected. From the brilliant minds of Gareth Roberts and Clayton Hickman came this masterpiece:

International best selling crime novelist Anoushka Hempel is astonished when she receives the finished MS of the new novel she is still working on. It turns out there are secret loudspeakers in her fancy bedstead that have been feeding her plots to her while asleep installed by deranged fan (who lives next door) Bernard Cribbins. Cribbins intends to go public when Hempel's suave new editor (Peter Egan) persuades her to change the ending of the new book. An enraged Hempel kills Cribbins by pretending to seduce him and luring him to touch the now rewired and deadly bedstead. Hempel thinks she's in the clear - but then the novel's published with its original ending - which describes her murder of Cribbins and how she hid the body in a box of books on their way to be pulped!

Hempel slams shut the book - zoom out to reveal it's her one privilege -  in prison! The End.

Christ! We didn't see that one coming!

We mustn't forget Nick Dimmock, either, whose whole series ideas were so good they got their own post and inspired me to do something I hadn't done for twenty years: forge Anglia TV documents. 

So, who is the WINNER? Well, it took a minimum of discussion to decide that all four entries above were our favourite and best and were superb and worthy of victory so, HOORAY and congratulations, you're all in line for a special prize direct from our very own giver of gifts, Mr. Dolly Dolly. Please e-mail us your address details and we'll get something special in the post to you asap with our love and thanks for your contributions and support. 

Mounds and Circles
(Dolly Dolly, Fearlono, Glimmung and Unmann-Wittering)

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