Saturday, 23 July 2011

Scotland’s Foremost Stigmataist

Have a good look at this photograph. It’s of a man called George Hamilton. No, Silly - not the acting perma-tanned, Ajax toothed cheese merchant, star of Love At First Bite and big loser of I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! This is a barber dodging, four eyed comb stranger and all round professional loon.

Who he?

Well, he’s Scotland’s foremost Stigmataist. Never heard of a Stigmataist? Well, that’s because I’ve just made the word up. Good isn’t it?

(stig·ma·ta·ist)

Definition: God bothering nut case who claims to bleed from the palms of the hands and forehead in a imitation of Christ’s wounds on the cross. Has never had a girlfriend. Loves his mother (possibly regularly).


In 1994 tiresome husband and wife team, John and Anne Spencer wrote a book called The Encyclopedia Of The World’s Greatest Unsolved Mysteries or something. Clearly willing to believe any old supernatural tat peddled by any old knuckle dragging, buck toothed liar who said they’d seen a ghost or been buggered by ET they waddled up North to interview the handsome (steady girls!) Mr Hamilton. Our Georgie was happy to talk to the Poundland Mulder and Scully about his hand bleeding, mainly because by the look of him, I doubt he has many friends willing to listen without wanting to run screaming out of the room or battering him about the head with a copy of the God Delusion.

Anyway during the interview the dribbling Hamilton said that he believed that the marks were sign that he was being protected by Christ himself. Cheaper than life insurance I suppose? He also told the not-so dynamic duo that he had suffered several poltergeist-like attacks including having a wood chisel thrown at him when he was alone in the house. Quite what he was doing leaving sharpened chisels about the house is beyond me. Perhaps he liked to whittle in private? As well as that inexplicable mystery he told the gullible pair that he had visions of the Virgin Mary and of Christ’s baptism and crucifixion. Which I imagine was quite handy if there was nothing on the telly.

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